small victories

Friday night I went to bed a little early.  And then I woke up at 2:00 a.m.  And couldn't go back to sleep, eventually getting up around 6:00 to get dressed, go pick up half a dozen Banbury Cross donuts, get a hair cut, go to the gym, meet with my Christmas-present-from-Jack-woman-who-tells-me-what-to-wear, and then collapse on the sofa downstairs.  There may have been other things going on that afternoon, but I can't remember them right now.

Saturday night, I fell asleep on the couch around 9:00, because I'd been up since 2:00 a.m.  And then I woke up at 2:00 again. I tossed and turned and wished I could go back to sleep.  But it was not to be.  I got up around 6:00 and eventually headed to Kohl's to return some things I'd bought at Christmas that the woman who dresses me said were definitely not for me and while there, picked up some new tights and a couple of necklaces.  I'm sure there was other stuff in there during the morning, but what I remember about Sunday was the afternoon, skiing with Jr on higher mountains, faster ski lifts, more beautiful scenery, including clear blue skies.  We returned home in time to send Jack out for KFC for dinner with Stu's family--yes, we actually had KFC for Sunday dinner, don't judge me, I was really tired from not sleeping and from skiing.  And then I still needed to pick up some bananas and lunch meat and diet coke for the week before dozing off on the sofa again.  It took me hours to finally fall back asleep in my bed and then I dreamed all night about collecting documents for some litigation at work and could not seem to sort everything into appropriate categories.  It was a long night, or so it seemed until I woke again at 2:00 a.m. 

We got up for work around 6:00 and by that time I was really ready to simply stay in bed all day.  I just wanted to get a normal night's sleep by starting sleeping at 6:00 a.m. and staying asleep for 24 hours.  Is that really too much to ask?

Monday, after a long day at work, we came home and I went to zumba, came home and we went to bed before I dozed off on the sofa.  I slept deeply.  Until my eyes popped open.  I didn't want to look at the clock.  I knew it was still dark, but had no idea of the time and couldn't bear to see 2:00 again.  But I looked.  And it was 4:32 a.m.  

I felt such joy. 

An hour later, I was up getting ready for work and after another long day, I drove downtown to that big new mall that I swore I'd never shop at, but according to the woman who tells me how to dress, it had all of the stores she thought we needed to visit to finish my Christmas present, which was her taking me shopping for two hours.

Oh my gosh did we shop.  She was incredible.  I was exhausted.  We hit six stores in two hours and spent way too much, but Jack said he thought I should be able to feel comfortable and look good.  He said losing 45 pounds had made a big difference in my body and I should dress to show it.  And besides we have a deal where I buy clothes and he buys an equal amount in tools.  Win-win.  So we shopped and shopped.  She'd pick out stuff and I'd try it on and she'd give me the thumbs up or down and I'd try on more stuff and then she'd tell the store salespeople to hold what we liked and I'd be back later to get it and while I'd finish getting dressed, she'd head to the next store.  And on and on and on.  It was fun--at first--but after a couple of times of having to remove my suit jacket, top, skirt, tights, and tie shoes, over and over and then put them all back on at the next store, well, I was tired.  But, we got some great stuff, lots of options, so many that I'm going to have to have her to come back to help me remember how I'm going to put it all together into outfits because I can't remember anything she said. 

Complete fashion brain fry.

After the shopping, I took two garbage bags full of Ann Taylor suits and jackets to the Jr League for its women back to work program because the woman who tells me how to dress also volunteers at the Jr League by styling women who are returning or joining the work force.  That seemed like a good place to send my favorite gently-worn office attire.

But, I was so tired when I got home.  I told Jack it was time for me to go to bed and I did.  No falling asleep on the sofa for me.  So I got into my cozy nightie, slid under the covers, cozied up to the dogs and drifted off to sleep.  When I woke up, the clock said 5:35.

I nearly cried.  I'm so close to back to normal sleep.

fine really

And how are you? my friend asked me a couple of weeks ago over soup and sandwiches, after we'd talked kids, jobs, husbands, especially hers who recently recovered from major surgery.  Immediately, 'fine'.  Of course.  Then more about the family, delight at having everyone nearby, of course, and I left wondering, really, how am I?

Mostly I realized I am complicated.  Layered, like an onion.  So many things going on in life at any given moment.  Good things, happy things.  Sucky things. Really hard things. Painful things. Change is constant.  Learning is ongoing.  I realized I have learned a lot of things in the past dozen years.  So here, here is a list of some of the things I've learned:

1. The trouble is you think you have time.
2. I much prefer talking to someone about stuff and having them give me clues and advice instead of figuring it out by myself.  If I'm being judgy about myself, I'd say that might make me lazy in the emotional maturity department.
3. Feelings are hard. (See #2 above.)
4. People can change if they want to and are given enough time and have a good personal reason to want to change.
5. I enjoy reading a good book or watching a good movie, something where all of the pieces fit together, whether I realize it is happening or not, and then it all comes together in the end, sometimes with a twist, but always with a satisfying ending that makes me wish it weren't over yet.  Sometimes it feels like life is like that with lots of pieces, where the pieces all fit together (or not) with a twist and hopefully a satisfying ending.  But sometimes not.  Sometimes life is confusing and messy and yet goes on and on.  Probably not a book I would finish.  But it is what it is. Perhaps a not well written book.  Or a book that needs a good editor.  But maybe the parts that would be edited out would be the best and most important parts in the end.  Hard to say.  The story is still being written.