fine really

And how are you? my friend asked me a couple of weeks ago over soup and sandwiches, after we'd talked kids, jobs, husbands, especially hers who recently recovered from major surgery.  Immediately, 'fine'.  Of course.  Then more about the family, delight at having everyone nearby, of course, and I left wondering, really, how am I?

Mostly I realized I am complicated.  Layered, like an onion.  So many things going on in life at any given moment.  Good things, happy things.  Sucky things. Really hard things. Painful things. Change is constant.  Learning is ongoing.  I realized I have learned a lot of things in the past dozen years.  So here, here is a list of some of the things I've learned:

1. The trouble is you think you have time.
2. I much prefer talking to someone about stuff and having them give me clues and advice instead of figuring it out by myself.  If I'm being judgy about myself, I'd say that might make me lazy in the emotional maturity department.
3. Feelings are hard. (See #2 above.)
4. People can change if they want to and are given enough time and have a good personal reason to want to change.
5. I enjoy reading a good book or watching a good movie, something where all of the pieces fit together, whether I realize it is happening or not, and then it all comes together in the end, sometimes with a twist, but always with a satisfying ending that makes me wish it weren't over yet.  Sometimes it feels like life is like that with lots of pieces, where the pieces all fit together (or not) with a twist and hopefully a satisfying ending.  But sometimes not.  Sometimes life is confusing and messy and yet goes on and on.  Probably not a book I would finish.  But it is what it is. Perhaps a not well written book.  Or a book that needs a good editor.  But maybe the parts that would be edited out would be the best and most important parts in the end.  Hard to say.  The story is still being written.