hey! i'm back!
yes, i know it's been a bit of a downer here lately. that's the circle of life. (please no singing disney songs on this blog.) let me just say that while none of the conflicts from my last post have changed really, my spirits have changed. and by spirits, i mean, my attitude, not my bottle of rum. because, i have no bottle of rum. yo ho!
we are now planning a wedding around here. and we are excited about it. and we will go ahead with our plans, because one 15-minute conversation cleared up a lot of things for me and i will not be worrying about anything more pressing than whether i want a floral print dress or a solid color dress. we are about to begin a new adventure.
and about stu--yes, he is on the list. but he is also working full time, buying a home, raising a child, expecting another child, playing d&d, learning to cook, planting a garden, repairing a fence, mowing his lawns, and building a deck. and when he is ready for a liver transplant, i will be there with him and shi and the girls, and jack and together we will all watch him pink up and plump up.
and about my work, my gilian-repair work with carolyn, so what else is new? who among us doesn't have some repair work to do? true, not everybody has a carolyn to keep reminding them of their work, but i do, and i'm so glad for that constant nudging, poking, and tapping i pay her to do to keep me growing.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
a few random thoughts
Three ideas have been conflicting with each other through my mind of late. They are with me day and night, whether awake or attempting sleep. So much so that I've even wondered if I shouldn't simply begin taking the nighttime meds again, in an effort to numb my mind and calm these thoughts and get some much needed sleep. But, I realize how unhelpful that mind numbing can be and have, so far, successfully avoided the tiny little pills, once some of my best friends. Surely that is an indication that I'm getting better, right?
So, about those three thoughts. The first is related to the upcoming marriage of Jr and Brandie. Let me first say that anything I say in my blog has already been said to them, in front of almost everyone who knows them or me, so I'm not trying to send them a message through my blog. I'm excited for them to marry. They are such good friends. They seem to enjoy being together. They don't agree about everything, but they seem to be able to work through to an agreement. I can only hope for the best for them and can hardly wait to see them exchange their vows to commit to each other. I am so looking forward to sharing that once in a lifetime, never to be repeated, get em while they're hot perfect evening with them, their friends, and their families.
So there's that thought. And there are the thoughts I've been having about Stu. He's on THE LIST. The liver transplant list. My 27-year-old son is awaiting the call that tragically, someone with O-type blood, who is within 30 lbs of his size (after he puts on the 30 lbs the docs have asked him to try to gain), has given the gift of life that he needs in order to stop the deterioration of his young body, to enable him to watch his garden and his children grow, to hope that he will see many more birthdays. It is such a painful contradiction. Since I have no control over this situation, I seek ways to find some level of control. I think about it constantly. I watch the website that shows how many people need livers in our region, what diseases they have, how sick they are, how young or old they are. And where he fits in to all of those statistics. I can see where he is on the various reports I put together from the data on the website. And while it passes some of the time when I cannot sleep, it does not really give me any control over anything. Reorganizing the data into various reports does not reorganize anything else in the world. It does not give me control. But it does pass the time. And it does help me see that right now, he has been on the list for the least time--less than 30 days--is no more than 13 transplants from his transplant, is one of four patients with the same liver disease he has, is the sickest of the four, and of those four, one is a teenager, one is in his twenties, and one is in his thirties. I say he, but the others could be female. I haven't compiled that report yet, but I will soon, maybe in a few hours if I wake and cannot find sleep again tonight.
And then there's the recent work at therapy. I don't know if I've said this before, but therapy with my first therapist was like visiting with a good friend for an hour every week or so. She was someone I could talk to about anything. The best thing she did was keep me alive until she could get me into the hospital. There were a couple of therapists in the hospital and one immediately after my discharge that I don't really count as my therapists. Then there was Carolyn. I've been seeing her for about a year and a half. She has been amazingly patient with me as she's had to keep working on the same concepts with me over and over. During that 18 months, there have been brief--brief--moments when the light hasn't filtered in, it has struck like lightning. I have had several of these blindingly bright flashes of understanding--sometimes the work I need to do, sometimes a glimpse into myself, sometimes a clue to my relationships with others. Sometimes these flashes are brief, like a shock from static electricity. Other times they are like a wound that hurts and hurts and then becomes infected and must be reopened in order to allow healing to begin. But almost always, they include a component of realization that I have so much work to do to become whole. And that realization keeps me awake at night.
So that's where I've been lately.
So, about those three thoughts. The first is related to the upcoming marriage of Jr and Brandie. Let me first say that anything I say in my blog has already been said to them, in front of almost everyone who knows them or me, so I'm not trying to send them a message through my blog. I'm excited for them to marry. They are such good friends. They seem to enjoy being together. They don't agree about everything, but they seem to be able to work through to an agreement. I can only hope for the best for them and can hardly wait to see them exchange their vows to commit to each other. I am so looking forward to sharing that once in a lifetime, never to be repeated, get em while they're hot perfect evening with them, their friends, and their families.
So there's that thought. And there are the thoughts I've been having about Stu. He's on THE LIST. The liver transplant list. My 27-year-old son is awaiting the call that tragically, someone with O-type blood, who is within 30 lbs of his size (after he puts on the 30 lbs the docs have asked him to try to gain), has given the gift of life that he needs in order to stop the deterioration of his young body, to enable him to watch his garden and his children grow, to hope that he will see many more birthdays. It is such a painful contradiction. Since I have no control over this situation, I seek ways to find some level of control. I think about it constantly. I watch the website that shows how many people need livers in our region, what diseases they have, how sick they are, how young or old they are. And where he fits in to all of those statistics. I can see where he is on the various reports I put together from the data on the website. And while it passes some of the time when I cannot sleep, it does not really give me any control over anything. Reorganizing the data into various reports does not reorganize anything else in the world. It does not give me control. But it does pass the time. And it does help me see that right now, he has been on the list for the least time--less than 30 days--is no more than 13 transplants from his transplant, is one of four patients with the same liver disease he has, is the sickest of the four, and of those four, one is a teenager, one is in his twenties, and one is in his thirties. I say he, but the others could be female. I haven't compiled that report yet, but I will soon, maybe in a few hours if I wake and cannot find sleep again tonight.
And then there's the recent work at therapy. I don't know if I've said this before, but therapy with my first therapist was like visiting with a good friend for an hour every week or so. She was someone I could talk to about anything. The best thing she did was keep me alive until she could get me into the hospital. There were a couple of therapists in the hospital and one immediately after my discharge that I don't really count as my therapists. Then there was Carolyn. I've been seeing her for about a year and a half. She has been amazingly patient with me as she's had to keep working on the same concepts with me over and over. During that 18 months, there have been brief--brief--moments when the light hasn't filtered in, it has struck like lightning. I have had several of these blindingly bright flashes of understanding--sometimes the work I need to do, sometimes a glimpse into myself, sometimes a clue to my relationships with others. Sometimes these flashes are brief, like a shock from static electricity. Other times they are like a wound that hurts and hurts and then becomes infected and must be reopened in order to allow healing to begin. But almost always, they include a component of realization that I have so much work to do to become whole. And that realization keeps me awake at night.
So that's where I've been lately.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
thegoodnews/thebadnews
1. Nowhere near enough time with the girlies.
2. A new truck for Jack.
3. Trade in of Bob, Jack's Grand Prix that my friend Colleen won on The Price is Right that we bought from her a couple of years ago.
4. Jr and Brandie are planning a fall wedding.
5. Stu is ON THE LIST.
6. Shi is in the 3rd trimester of a healthy pregnancy with baby girl number 4.
2. A new truck for Jack.
3. Trade in of Bob, Jack's Grand Prix that my friend Colleen won on The Price is Right that we bought from her a couple of years ago.
4. Jr and Brandie are planning a fall wedding.
5. Stu is ON THE LIST.
6. Shi is in the 3rd trimester of a healthy pregnancy with baby girl number 4.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
just a few more photos from last weekend...
After the Easter egg hunt last weekend, Audrey demonstrated her newly discovered somersaulting ability.
JoJo and Oscar came into the room with all of us and put on one of their shows, which Stu captured, a click at a time. Towards the end of the clicking, Jessie asked whether or not somebody should be putting a stop to the game instead of taking pictures...
And these are photos of some of the few moments when Janey shed some tears and allowed me to be the one to comfort her. Such a good feeling for me to be the one person (other than her sweet mom) that this precious lass looks to for a safe place during loud, family parties.
If only it could be so easy to soothe everyone's feelings.
JoJo and Oscar came into the room with all of us and put on one of their shows, which Stu captured, a click at a time. Towards the end of the clicking, Jessie asked whether or not somebody should be putting a stop to the game instead of taking pictures...
And these are photos of some of the few moments when Janey shed some tears and allowed me to be the one to comfort her. Such a good feeling for me to be the one person (other than her sweet mom) that this precious lass looks to for a safe place during loud, family parties.
If only it could be so easy to soothe everyone's feelings.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
the gardens' easter egg hunt
We had an Easter egg hunt in the gardens last weekend with the girlies. A bunch of photos (taken by Stu) tell the story far better than I could ever do with words...
One of the girlies understood right off what her part of the egg hunt was about...
The others caught on pretty quickly though...
Then we went in the house to check out the goodies in the Easter baskets and eggs...
Jack helped Audrey with her candy wrappers...
And seriously, check out the girl power in the gardens--
Friday, April 17, 2009
duck (s) in the gardens
Last weekend was seriously eventful. Jack spotted a duck in the back yard.
Then he snapped a photo of the duck doing the chicken dance for him.
He didn't realize she was dancing for someone else...
Thursday, April 9, 2009
not the dog
The new masthead is a clear indication that it is spring time 2009. All of the perennials have received their spring haircuts and the new green stuff is comin' up.
Last weekend, the darlings came over. Check out the little piggytails...
and the cheesin' it up cousins...
and in case you've forgotten, it's spring in the new bed in the gardens.
Last weekend, the darlings came over. Check out the little piggytails...
and the cheesin' it up cousins...
some of the girl-chaos fun
and then there are the quiet moments...
and in case you've forgotten, it's spring in the new bed in the gardens.
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