why don't i just blog?

So many things on my mind lately.

Where to start? 

How about with Baby Calvin  --  it is truly a gift to have a new baby around and to watch that family blend together.  And oh my gosh, baby hands and baby feet and baby scent and well, baby boy clothes.  Leo has a friend who is six months older than him who hands over his like-new clothes so I haven't done much shopping for him.  But Calvin, he has no such friend--yet--so I have been amazed by the options in the baby boy section at every.single.store.  Love those stripes and colors and animal prints and all of it on him.

Skiing--video.  Jr got a GoPro camera that mounts on his ski helmet so of course he's shooting video of me all over the slopes.  Okay maybe not.  Mostly it's video of him flying down the slopes and waiting for me to come pizza-legging, criss-crossing down to where he's waiting for me.  Again.  He posted a link here:  http://youtu.be/EA-I70Jsc0A --which may or may not include him flying up behind me to spray snowy crystals on me.  And that's okay, actually pretty entertaining, or will be when he falls on his butt while mocking his mama.  Pow.

My mom and dad--briefly.  Dad is still slipping away.  Sometimes his stories of events past are so clear and so fun to hear, and then other times, he gets off on a story that really only happened in his mind.  So there's that.  But also, there's mom.  Who has been doing all of the things for so, so, so long that she has worn right out.  Hoping that the steps we've been taking will help ease her back to herself because this is so very scary and hard to watch.

And my heart.  Or not.  That whole emergency room thing.  The diagnosis thing.  After thinking about it all, I got this idea that I didn't want to start taking medications without first talking to my cardiologist.  Because apparently I now have one of those, who is a great doctor and quite entertaining all at the same time.  So anyway, I scheduled an appointment with him last Wednesday.  And three hours before my appointment I had another episode at work.  Saw the doc that day, and after some talking, he agreed that maybe I didn't really need those medications and likely it wasn't my heart, but the way to confirm that was to do an echo stress test so we scheduled it for today.  And, as usual, I was the boss of that test.  The EKG part was good, the echo part (an ultrasound of my heart, which was very cool to watch, but IMO not as cool as seeing a new grandbaby on an ultrasound), anyway, the echo part was good, and the stress part (more time on the treadmill, and hello, I've been working it at zumba so a little treadmill time is nothing), so yes, the stress part was good too.  I aced it all, so the doc says I'm unlikely to drop dead from an artery blockage and my valves are all good.  He sent me on my way after promising I'd check in with my primary care doc who can decide what the next step should be.  So that's all good I guess, although Jack is still pretty concerned.

But since I passed my test, I'm free to board a plane tomorrow headed to California.  All of those work trips have added up to nearly enough skymiles for a ticket and it's Cailin's birthday on Friday and she invited me at least three times to her party, so how could I say no?  Have you seen that face of hers?  Who could say no and why would they want to?  So it's a quick trip over and I'm taking my beach pants that match Janey's and maybe we'll find a couple of hours for sitting on the sand in the sun listening to the waves, which is, you know, so soothing.

And then it's back home on Sunday for the Super Bowl/party where I'm hoping to finish the playoff fantasy league with a win when Denver loses to Seattle.  I'm really only posting about this because I want to see if Stu will comment because we're competing for first place and I love it when he trash talks me.

So that's my last couple of weeks.  It isn't much in writing, but it's been a lot of living.

remember that one time

Spent most of yesterday back at the ER.  Had another of those not-heart-attack episodes.  There have been a few times lately when I thought I was headed into another episode but didn't get to anything full-blown like the first time, but yesterday was the whole enchilada. 

It happened at work in my boss' office.  Freaked him right out. 

Unfortunately, Jack had decided to stay home yesterday, so my friend, Eileen, drove me to the ER and he met us there.

More of the same tests.  A couple of new ones to rule out blood clots and stroke.

And this time they gave me a diagnosis.  Likely caused by low blood pressure and possible irregular heart beats.  Sent me home with a blood pressure medication that will keep it at normal (what does that really mean?) and also told me to take a baby aspirin daily to help me avoid clots. 

Also gave me my own prescription of nitroglycerin so if it happens again, I can slip one of those tiny dynamos under my tongue and nearly instantly feel better.

Another follow-up visit is scheduled with the cardiologist.  (Did I mention our last visit ended with him advising me to get a massage and try to take it easy?)

So. 

I suppose if you're having episodes like these and you're going to spend time and money at the ER, it is good to get a diagnosis rather than leaving and wondering what is what. 

And if you consider all of the possible diagnoses, really, low blood pressure doesn't seem so bad at all.

yowsa

I've really got to post an update.

First, the new boy is home and doing well.  A kind of scary start, but everyone seems to be settling in.

Second, zumba update.  I missed a few classes, what with Christmas and travel and hospital visits and granchildren visits (loved the boy's sisters' sleepover last weekend!)  So it turns out that only going once every week or so can be a bit detrimental to body-shaking improvement.  But I'm back on track I think.

Although yesterday someone at my work was in my office, talking about how much she loves zumba but how, at 50, she is so old to be dancing around like that.  And she told me about her favorite new zumba routine (all while explaining to me about how zumba is an organization where the instructors are certified somehow and they all learn and teach the same routines to the same songs so you can go to a class anywhere and do basically the same workouts--good to know, I guess?). 

Anyway.  She told me the name of her favorite new routine/song, one by somebody named Pitbull who does a song called Timber.  So of course, I googled that and zumba and could watch a group of zumba kids doing that routine.  And because it was slow to download, I kept going back to the start and rewatching the parts that were downloaded, like the first 20 seconds, then starting again and watching the first 30 seconds and on and on until eventually I'd watched the whole thing. 

During all of that watching and rewatching I realized that in the version I was watching there was one girl, towards the back and side of the class who was struggling to keep up, not raising her arms as high or kicking or shaking as much...and you can guess where this is going, right?

I thought about that girl today and again tonight at class.  The instructor in tonight's class demonstrated the moves for each song and then did them really small.  I think she was trying to encourage everybody to let loose and do the moves big like they are supposed to be done.  You know, let yourself enjoy it and move like a dancer.

And when I thought about that girl tonight and watched those small moves, it made me move bigger.  Might not have been the right moves every second (actually, I'm sure of that), but it felt good to move big and that feeling good has got to be a very good thing.

and look who figured out how to download video.  well, not me.  i'm not certain how this all happened but isn't it pretty great?

obviously

This girl is so very happy to finally be holding her little brother.

Now if we can just get him home.

what a long week

This week has been so very long.  Perhaps because it actually seemed to start a couple of weeks ago when we drove to California on Christmas and found a sick baby boy with his worried mama checking into the hospital.  After a couple of days, with much relief, they came home.  But it was a somewhat chaotic holiday trip that included a quick day-long drive back accompanied by much concern about the soon-to-be born new baby boy.  And that long drive ended with a phone call in the middle of the night that seemed to me, awakened ever so rudely from my soundly sleeping state, to be a call from a hysterical daughter-in-law in the midst of delivery, but was actually a prank/scam-type call that was totally disturbing. 

This long week included several more days of anxious waiting for the new boy, interrupted by our return to work, which obviously interferes with the more important things of life like napping and lazing and waiting and such.  And then came the day designated as the birth day of the boy.  Tuesday.  Which seems so so so long ago.  The waiting through the day, the emotionally draining delivery, and then--then the days since Tuesday during which we've watched and waited and hoped and felt elevated and then helpless, and then yesterday.  Yesterday, the boy and his big tiny body suddenly figured out breathing rates and oxygen saturation and glucose levels and temperatures, and eating.  My oh my, but he understands eating.

And then last night Stu sent me this picture that probably doesn't represent anything spectacular to most people, but to those who have been living through this very long week, it is very significant.  You see, the boy is with his mother in her room, out of the NICU.  First time out of the nursery.  Untethered.  Such relief.

And boy oh boy am I tired.  I knew this week was wearing me down, but this morning I realized I must be really tired because I was ready to cry over the paper cut on my finger and the zit on my upper lip. 

Babies.  So grateful for healthy babies.

Now let's all go take a nap.

in case you haven't heard

Calvin Stuart Wilde arrived this afternoon at 3:50.  Instead of weighing in around six pounds like his two older sisters, he arrived weighing 8 lbs 5 oz. and is 20 inches long.  Oh, and he has a big head and broad shoulders.

I've never been in the delivery room for a vaginal delivery, but Shi and Stu invited me to be there.  I stood behind Stu up by Shi's shoulders.

It was the most amazing, intense, incredible experience I've ever had.  Shilo and all other women who deliver their babies like her are my heroes.  She worked so hard today.  Truly it was labor.

And even though he'll say Shi did all the work (and she kind of did), he was (it seemed to me) a great support to her when it came time to do the work.

And little Calvin--he's simply awesome.

random new year

I realized tonight after reading other blogs that it is the designated time of year for goal setting, resolution making.

But I've got nothing.  Not in a bad way.   I just haven't finished last year yet, I guess.  Or maybe that isn't it exactly either.  I'm just not ready to make any proclamations in writing.

Thoughts of late--on Monday we made it back from California in 12 hours, arrived around midnight. 

Still waiting for the new little boy to be born, who isn't really due until mid-January, but is putting his mom through it while taking his time getting here.  If that makes any sense.

While in California I captured a couple of videos of Leo.  Nothing special--unless you consider watching him sit in his seat at the table, eating bananas and crackers while talking and gesturing--special, and I do.  As soon as I figure out how to download videos from my iPhone to my computer I'll probably post them because every time I watch them, I smile.  Out loud.

Since we got home Jack has spent a bit of time learning to fly his new remote helicopter.  It sounds more like a flying buzzing bug to me than last year's model.  Gus is going crazy trying to catch up to it.  He either really loves or really hates bugs.

Jr and I spent time tonight just dancing with his friend, Erica.  He totally kicked our butts, but we still looked good and laughed heartily, especially when we hit our remotes into each other and stopped the game.  Love the just dance.

Back to the resolutions.  I've almost completed last year's goal of cleaning out all of the places.  The remaining spot is the linen closet in the hallway, which also includes a shelf or two of photographs that are so old that they were actually developed in a photo lab in a grocery store.  They haven't been put into albums yet but are instead stuffed in a copier paper box along with school photos and other bits of paraphernalia.  So there's still that project.

I have this idea floating around my mind that 2014 will be a year of change around here.  I'm not sure why or how, and really, it's likely that every year includes change, right?  Perhaps the hint of change in the air is only because we recently saw Saving Mr. Banks and I've got Mary Poppins on the brain.  But I'm feeling it, one way or another. 

I'm just going to watch for a while and soak it all in.