yes, dears, i am still here

i know it's been a week since my last post, but i had to unclench my hands and brain before i could work the keys on my compy. still don't feel up to using the caps yet, but hey, at least i'm typing.

i've spent a bit of time thinking about my aunt judy and uncle lee in the last few days. i suppose that if i could feel like everything--all of the feelings i can identify and all of the feelings i can't identify and how to deal with all of these huggin' feelings--i would be doing great right now. but that's a lot of feelings to figure out and believe it or not, i'm part of the group of people who don't figure out the feelings very quickly. so when some hard to deal with situation arises, i go into the ACK! i can't deal with this, i must hide, i must run, i must not.be.handed.this.sh*t. how have you all survived all of the years in your life with all of these feelings? and how long is this going to take before i get my sh*t together? apparently more than hours, more than days, more than weeks, more than months.

but back to judy. i've been told i can write a pretty mean obituary and by that i do not mean mean as in hurtful, but mean as in truthful, flattering, full of thought. i've debated about an obituary for judy. after talking to my therapist, i realized i do not have to attend her memorial and stir up all of the feelings i have towards her children, my cousins, or my uncle lee, or even get involved in trying to satisfy all of the expectations regarding being an extended loving happy family. so, i've settled on an obituary. of sorts. i don't have all of the dates, or even the totally correct names, but i know what judy was like in my life and i think i can clearly express who she was in my mind. here goes.

judy was someone who could see the big picture. she appreciated it when others took care of the little details, but she clearly helped others catch her vision and make it work. sandy city became a different, better place after judy was elected as a councilwoman.

judy was a living example of the concept that if you don't take care of yourself, who will? she encouraged others to live independently, especially her children. i think she desired success and freedom and independence for her kids and grandkids. while she desired independence for everyone, she also appreciated the benefit of somebody who had your back. she protected lee and he protected her. and countless times, they did the same for their boys.

judy expressed her emotions freely. you always knew where you stood with her. if you had to guess, you weren't paying attention or listening, because she expressed her emotions and thoughts often.

judy cared for her cats and birds and gardens and kitchen. she was a good cook and whenever you entered her home you could tell if she had been cooking because there were amazing aromas coming from the kitchen and if you were invited to eat, you would experience wonderful textures, tastes, and hospitality.

for as long as i can remember, whenever i saw or heard janis joplin, i was reminded of judy. i don't know if judy was a singer, but i'm certain that if she was a singer, she could have jammed with janis--similar look, attitude, and i'm sure, the same gritty, rockin' voice. or at least i've always suspected that.

i understand that judy was very sick for the last few years. she denied how sick she was until last month when she finally admitted how sick she felt and her doctor ordered some tests that revealed that she had cancer--in her lungs and in her pancreas. she told lee she had things she wanted to do and didn't want to spend the next six months--her last six months--dying through the haze of chemotherapy and radiation. lee respected her decision and in two weeks, hospice came to their home and judy passed away two weeks later--in one month, not six.

while i am still not ready to get together for sunday dinners and christmas eve with lee and his family, i do feel sorrow for their loss. i am sorry for judy's suffering. and i am sorry for lee's suffering as he watched the woman he's loved for many years, languish and then die.

and that is about all i have right now.