just so i'll remember

Last night I went to zumba class again.  I was hoping it would be the teacher who was there on Monday, because when I got close to her, I could see that we were close in age, and more than that, the class was just plain fun.

Alas, last night's teacher was not Monday night's teacher.  And I learned from a classmate that the Monday teacher is only a substitute so no way to know when she will be there.  Boo.

But I soldiered on.  I kept trying to do those salsa steps last night and I tried to wave my arms like I just don't care (because these zumba classes also include a bit of hip hop).  There was a lot of skipping steps too, but I just didn't have the strength or energy or something to get my big old self to skip fast.  And then towards the end of class, I simply couldn't keep up.  I kept losing track of the teacher in the mirror and also in the crowd of classmates, and they were all doing moves that I don't know if I'll ever figure out. 

Then I spotted myself in the mirror and in my mind it became clear that I am too old and solid to be moving around to music like that (all that stuff about girls showin' what you got or shakin' what you got or something). 

Pow!  Bam!  What was I thinking anyway?  What a loser lamely shuffling and waving those soggy arms.  KaPow!

After the music stopped, I headed directly to the locker room to pick up my jacket and purse, but because I'm old and weary and big, I couldn't remember the sequence of how to open the locker.  Just like jr high but I'm old now and shouldn't have to deal with that.

I thought I might just start to silently weep to my poor lame self.

And then I heard a voice say, hey, did you like the class?  You were doing great!  And I looked up and there was a woman from the class who I had noticed was not skipping either.  I was astonished.  I told her I didn't think I'd ever be able to keep up with the teacher or other kids in the class and she said I shouldn't worry about it, just keep coming, keep moving and I'd be fine. 

We continued talking as we walked out into the rainy night, about how we are not Jazz dancers and have real women bodies, and I cannot even tell you how glad I am that she stopped to encourage me. 

I had decided I was clearly too old to be working out to that music with those moves and had been ready to bag the gym, give up, and slink back to my recliner. 

I am so grateful to her.  I'm going to stand by her in class the next time I see her. 

And I'm headed back tonight for the 7:00 class where I will be looking more closely at my classmates to find a zumba class soulmate to stand by.

And I'll remind myself that this is an ongoing lifestyle change, a journey that I can enjoy if I just cut myself some slack and quit beating myself up.