my boyfriend's back

Okay. Not my boyfriend. Not even my best friend. My longest companion. My least desirable pal.

Yeh, the big A. Or to those unfamiliar with my buddy, anxiety. None of that, 'wouldn't it just be easier to quit life' stuff, just the old familiar tensed up belly, I've got to curl up in a ball under the desk, please I'm asking nicely don't do this to me anymore feeling.

One might think that four years of therapy would have strengthened me internally, mentally, can't touch that self. But I'm not seein' that strength right now. Mostly because I can't see beyond the tops of my knees when my arms are wrapped around them.

Lest you think this is simply me whining again for sympathy, oh no, let me clear that up right now. I have good reason to be anxious. My mom is seeing cardiologic specialists and scheduling procedures involving her arteries and heart that require five hours of general anesthesia; my dad is going with us for moral support/bitching/moaning.

Work is quite simply hell. Too much to do, not enough time, more more more now now now. With people who know people who fire people for reasons I do not know or understand.

And then there's school. Seriously. How hard could two freakin' classes be? Labor econ and calculus for business. Online econ class. Really hard. But calculus? For just 70 minutes a week in class with a fellow student who sits behind me who I swear has taken this class three times because all he does is nod and loudly say, "Yes" to everything the professor says and writes at calculus teacher high speed on the white board until I think it is really a good thing that I'm so anxious because if I could straighten out even one of my arms I'd turn around and punch every Yes out of that guy's mouth. It might all happen so quick that he'd never see it coming. Turns out that my anxiety is his best friend in calculus.

And these are just little bits of the nonpersonal causes of stomach churning please stop this shaking all over feeling that I am so tired of. Yes, I did cease the antidepressants a month ago. Why? Why did I do that? Just what my doctor asked. Silly question. Because I was feeling so good. So strong. So well. So why wouldn't I think I could handle these belly knotters on my own.

I have an appointment with the doc tomorrow morning at 9:45. Cancellations are my other friend. Remember, if you really don't need to see the doc, cancel your appointment because there's a good chance me or somebody like me might just need it bad and we will think you are the best for giving up your time with the doc so somebody who really needs that time can have it. The guy in calculus will thank you because once I get this anxiety back under control, I won't even notice him and his yes mouth.