the thing is

Sometimes the only enjoyment I can find in a particular event comes from knowing I can blog about it later.

My shopping trip this morning falls directly under the heading of "Things that can only bring me pleasure on my blog." Jack and I will be enjoying a vacation this next week, which, of course, means I will need some new clothes. (I don't make the rules, I simply follow and enjoy them.)

I got an email from Kohl's yesterday reminding me that today was an earlybird sale day, which means everything is on sale at least 20% off, but many things are on sale for 60%, 70%. and even 80%--if you're interested in winter clothes for summer. Try as I might, I could not convince myself to buy a really cute hooded sweater--in denim blue or sage green--for $10. I wanted summer clothes.

I wandered around the jr's and women's departments, collecting a big pile of summery dresses, tops, capris, and skorts and eventually made my way to a dressing room. I started with the tops and skorts and was happy to find some of each that I liked--style, color, and price. Next I tried on some skirts and dresses. Or, attempted to try them on, since I couldn't get most of them on over my lower body. Some of the dresses zipped up the back and I quickly realized the dresses were all too small. I say quickly, because I realized it quickly, but taking them off--really, just one in particular--took considerably longer than realizing it was too small. As I lifted the dress up over my head (because it wouldn't fit over my womanly hips) my arms got stuck, raised in the air, and the dress had me in its clutches and I couldn't get away. I don't think I could even see what was happening because it was covering my eyes and I was started to feel like maybe I couldn't breathe and even had this childish urge to stomp my feet and throw myself to the floor, while sobbing uncontrollably, until someone came in and rescued me--likely by cutting the dress off of me.

Next I tried on some swimsuits. Yes, I know shopping for swimsuits is torture for many women, but it was at that point that, even without my glasses, I could see the true extent of my recent weight gain. Holy cow. If I were a pot roast, I would be very tasty because clearly, my body has gained significant marbling (fat, fat, fat) and everybody knows that it's the fat that makes the meat taste good.

After I stopped trembling enough to leave the dressing room, I headed back out to collect more of the same clothes but in the next size larger. Silly me. Why would I think that just one size larger would be enough for all of my marbling?

After attempting to zip up and pull on those clothes, and failing miserably (underscore miserably) I again left the dressing room to pick up an armful of still larger clothes. It was at this point that I realized why I really prefer to shop at Ann Taylor over Kohl's. At Ann Taylor, the sales help is right there to bring different sizes or styles. At Kohl's, I have to undress, try to try on the obviously too small items, wriggle and struggle out of the too small clothes, get dressed in my own clothes, go try to find the next bigger size, and go through all of that again. And apparently again and again.

I finally left the store with three tops, a skort, and a pair of those black stretchy knee-length workout pants. And a swimsuit and a pair of espadrilles and a sick feeling realizing that it is really time for me to get serious about getting off the couch and off the sweets. I guess that sometimes it takes hitting the bottom (in my case, my big bottom) before you can start to rise again.

Jack and I met for lunch so he could console me and point out that there are many women who are much larger than me, that I am still so very attractive, and after much badgering, admitting that, yes, he had noticed I'd put on some weight, but seriously, what good would have been accomplished had he mentioned it to me? He is really a smart man.

The only thing left for me to do after lunch was to get my hair cut. All of my hair cut. Off. Okay, not all of it--obviously I still have some hair, but the hairs are all about 2" long. And if I'd had my way, they might have been even shorter. Luckily my stylist kept her wits and her scissors about her and did not follow my directions exactly.

After the hair cut, I decided to go to Ann Taylor to find a dress or two because, after all, Ann had sent me a $15 gift card and how could I let that go to waste? As soon as I put on the first dress at Ann's, I realized yet another reason why I love that store.

Besides the instantly available help and the amazing fabrics and details of the clothes, there is yet another reason why I love shopping at Ann Taylor more than Kohl's.

I left with two summer dresses that fit perfectly, and were a full two sizes smaller than anything I tried on at Kohl's.

Jackpot.