My plan to discontinue the meds doesn't seem to be working so well.
The euphoria of the early days has faded in much the same way the flowers of spring wilt in the heat of summer and the spent blooms of summer darken and go to seed.
Perhaps by visualizing those seeds, on the cold ground, buried under the bluewhite snow, I'll remember the hope that surely must come again.
So, yeh, you might say I still need the meds. Probably couldn't have chosen a more jam-packed, likely-to-include-high-stress time to stop the meds, including the OH.MY.HECK.gum surgery pain, the I've-not-enough-of-the-will-I-be-addicted-too?-lortab, the clean-the-house and cook-the-meal-or in this case,-assist-with-the-meal-prep holiday dealio, wait, did i mention the STINKING sore mouth pain, the family get it together stress, and even, the celebration of Stu's birth* that, for me, nowadays, also includes a twinge of reminder of his health issues. Yeh, probably not the best time to go solo, no more meds for me, girlie.
Jack took me to the doctor today so together we could give a more accurate picture of life in the gardens of late and, with the doc, agree on a new plan--not quite same as the old plan, but hopefully better. After the visit and a stop for lunch at Olive Garden, Jack dropped me off at the gardens so I could get in my jammies while he went to the pharmacy and picked up the new stuff (yet another indication of the urgency of this mess).
The remaining items on the list of stuff to do tonight are take a long, hot soak in the tub, share the two desserts we ordered at lunch but were too full to eat, toss back a diet coke, watch a bit of mindless tv and/or the Jazz, and settle down with the new meds and a good book on our comfy bed with its white, softer than anything cotton sheets.
For those of you who don't have new meds, desserts to share, diet cokes to chug, a good book, or a bed like ours, I'll share something that may be just as satisfying--and well, I'll enjoy it along with you--a pic of the beautiful baby girl, Miss Janey.
*HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR STU-EY, MY FIRSTBORN, MY FIRST AT MOST EVERYTHING, MY DARLING, AMAZING, EVERYTIME I TURNED AROUND NEW STAGE OF DEVELOPMENT BOY! I LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY HEART (AMAZING, HUH, WHEN I LOVE YOUR SIBLINGS AND JACK WITH ALL OF MY HEART ALSO!) AND, AS I WAS SAYING, I LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY HEART, ALL OF MYSELF, AND ALL OF MY LIVER, WHICH I WILL GLADLY SHARE IF YOU EVER NEED IT. XXOOXOXOXO
4 comments:
So sorry to hear that things aren't as good as they could be, but glad to know you're right on it. And happy birthday to Stuart!
Who said, "With love, comes pain?" Oh wait! It was me. Seriously girl! A birthday is not the time to get bittersweet, only sweet. Don't you love having sons...and daughters...and grandchildren?
And aren't we all thankful for meds. I hope the sun comes out soon for you. And I'm always here for you!
Well done to you for asking for help, that is the sign of someone with great inner-strength, in my humble opinion.
I'm glad Johanna's there for you. She was there for me also in similar times long ago, even as she is now in my e-world!
I understand your struggles very deeply. It is a very common human condition... one of my tricks is to remind myself from time to time that we are ultimately more than human...
...there is a spark of divinity in each of us that will see us through all the hard times!
There is purpose to all things that we go through. I send my hope and quiet energy your way as well. I'm a veteran in dealing with what the medical world calls "Bi-Polarism". My writing has helped me find my cures. There is a deep Joy that is the product of the pains we endure. Trust that. Trust your inner being!
It is good to see that you have so much love around you. Love is the most powerful energy in the world... and even the hardest nights we go through, are ultimately about love.
Another trick (or tool if you will) I use is to remember to love myself as deeply as I love those around me. We often are so hard on ourselves.
By the way, I've been off the meds for several years now... have a successful business that I own, and a wonderful family around me. I know there is hope and light amidst all the seeming darkness. They go together in my life.
For me, the game is learning balance. I see it in your writings as well. You are dealing with similar issues in your life. I see and love your deep humor... I see the love you give to all in your life... and I see the pain you feel and express sometimes in dealing with the anxieties that are a part of this life! I come to the gardens because I identify with so much of what you express (not to mention how well you express it! It is fun reading!)
Sorry I took so much space. I just feel deeply tonight that I just want to reach out and let you know that you are not alone in this struggle, and that there is definately hope and triumph to be had!
Bruce.
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